I have been having a lot of nightmares lately. It's strange because people say these dreams are sirens screaming every worry you have. Imagine hundreds of red flashing lights. Not that I worry, in fact I don't remember worrying when I am awake. In this sense, you can say that I am also indifferent to my own feelings. I truly have no idea about how I feel. Even I tell people about things that distress me, somehow it comes out differently. Like I'm really happy about the troubles I have. At the end of the day, I am confused. Thus, the nightmares?
I don't usually do this but I searched up some dream intrepretations. Believe it or not, even the smallest detail is significant to my current situation. To sum it all up, I am insecure about things at the moment. I haven't got a job since then and I am wasting time still goggling at Miranda (she is still not mine). I truly don't know what to do. In fact, must I tolerate my uncle who visits every now and then to talk to my jobless father as well? It's annoying when he frowns and comments about how boys like me should learn how to speak politely. What for?! Times have changed, old fart.
Don't ask me why I'm walking around town when I should be diligent in searching for jobs. Everyone needs to get out of their stinking houses once in a while. I was looking for some inspiration after playing the guitar (in an underground passage so easily forgotten and ironically always crowded. Damn. Look at the state of the money box. LOOK AT IT!!). In the mornings, I look down at the floor and when I look up, I realise that the Sun is already setting behind the grey blanket of clouds. Before you know it, the colour "grey" turns white, because it's the peak hour for birds to start dropping bombs.
Well, I thought it was safe if you don't walk under the trees during that peak hour. I don't know if it's related to being part of my family where we are deemed as toilet bowls to birds. Sometimes I wonder if my father's locks of hair are white because of age or it got dyed by bird shit (not to mention he doesn't really bathe. Bathe, for goodness's sake!). Either way, I pray that one day this misfortune will turn into a great asset, like grabbing the attention of a beautiful girl, Miranda.
MIranda, Miranda, Miranda. I believe in love at first sight, and the misery that comes after. You, Miranda, are my misery because you appear in my mind every minute of the day and I wish I could think of something else. By the way. is your body tired? Because we are always f***ing in my mind so I thought you might want to have a rest. I don't know if I should refuse, but you always silence me with your lips and then what comes after comes... it's a cycle in my head right now and you don't even know me. So this is what they call one of the seven deadly sins that punishes the convicted by making them walk through the flames to eradicate all feelings of lust. I, Frederick, AM WALKING THROUGH THE FIRES OF OUR FIERY PASSIONS!
I'll never learn. Anyway, I do make it a point now to dress up a little nicer than usual when I go out. Appearances attract attention and I would not only get more "donations" but perhaps the attention of Miranda? Oh... my love, my darling, I hunger for your touch! Are you... still... mine?! Looks like my daily setlist are overflowing with love songs. Like the penguins, let my voice reach you! (I was watching a documentary about the animal kingdom. They stated that male animals always have to do their best to attract the females. After which, they mate.) I HUNGER, HUNGER FOR YOUR TOUCH!!
It has been months since my last occupation and though I am familiar with the subject, I can never get used to being unemployed (yes, I lied. I wasn't talking to my colleagues just the other day. I talked to them many months ago). Finding jobs is the worst part of your life because you never know when you will actually get employed and paid, thus the prolonged wait. Sometimes I wish no one looks at my papers because qualifications do not necessarily mean your potential. Living in a merit-driven society means being deprived when your qualifications are not good enough.
Yes, I do admit I am in the wrong for being unable to do well academically but shouldn't people like me be granted the chance to improve ourselves even more than those who did exceedingly great in their studies? I keep asking myself about this and I came to a conclusion that maybe we are perceived to be lazy or plainly stupid, so stupid that no matter what education is given to us, we'll never get it. Honestly, that's a little unfair. I am not exactly stupid, am I?
For now, I signed a license for me to play in those train station underground passages. I won't earn much, in fact I don't think I would gain anything but I know I'm able to hone my skills at guitar and singing. It gives me the drive to play better. And people don't really look at you no matter how much you play. That's a good thing for me; my buddy just got a job as a DJ because of his good looks, or so he says. He was actually offered the job because of his chest muscles (I swear!) and he doesn't mind doing it since it's a job.
"Even if they will call you a fake DJ?" We sat in silence for a while after I asked that question. Then, he answered, saying that it is not what others say that make you what you are. Furthermore, he likes to club so DJ-ing would be "living the dream" while getting paid. Well, I don't know. I guess it was rude of me to avoid talking to him for the rest of the day but I didn't feel like talking. How could anyone stand the thought of being objectified? Being judged by your looks to get you far. Sometimes I do wish that I was better looking because it seems as if those people who look better give a better impression at interviews. Even celebrities fall victim to such objectification.
I don't want to live like that. I believe there is a place that appreciates what I can do, and not what I look like I can do. I rather lie with words than looks.
Cough. I never thought I would even succumb to posting this video because firstly, look at that! Ludricrous, no?! I was discussing about this music video with my colleagues just the other day and we were so disgusted by it. We came to the conclusion that perhaps we are just not used to this. I thought about it before. I mean, all we usually see is half-naked men on magazine covers that eventually progressed to wearing one underwear (don't ask me why I was looking at the magazines. Oh damn, the chilled beer is just beside them! Urgh don't judge). Perhaps the media has made it so normal for us men as those selling our bodies while the women stay completely out of that range.
Or not? After watching this video, I suppose it is no longer the case. Seriously, what has the world come to? Women are now learning from the men on how to be naked now?
If there's anything, I have my bias on such matters. Here's Jake Shears, everybody. After watching the video above, I couldn't help but search him up to feel a little more secure. It's just weird, seeing a woman do something like that. I just have to get used to this. The day that the world deems everyone being naked as normal, will be the day masculism is no longer necessary.
Hey, the name's Frederick and you can call me Fred. I figured I should start writing a little about myself instead of watching the TV everyday (yes, I know. What a waste of time. Can I give an excuse that it's indeed very enriching to have one's eyes glued to the screen? It just is) and occasionally munching on chips. I do make a point to have a healthier diet but convenience food is much cheaper and easier to prepare. Just open the plastic bag and voila. Enough about that, I thought about introducing myself and so I searched up the meaning of my name:
People with this name are excellent at analyzing, understanding, and learning. They tend to be mystics, philosophers, scholars, and teachers. Because they live so much in the mind, they tend to be quiet and introspective, and are usually introverts. When presented with issues, they will see the larger picture. Their solitary thoughtfulness and analysis of people and world events may make them seem aloof, and sometimes even melancholy.
Sounds legit. That's about it for now. Actually, there's clearly nothing to do. I'll talk about it next time. Until then.